Scared

22 Nov

Ben scares me at times, he always has done when I think about it.

He could be a kind, caring, loving guy. Thoughtful, attentive and made me laugh. Then there were/are the times when he downright scares me. He’s a soldier trained to kill. He has killed. Since he was 16 he’s killed probably 20, 30, more people, he used to keep a tally – I tried to block it out.

He knew he was more powerful than me – ok I can lift hay bales/bags of saw dust around easily and played rugby for over 10 years, but I always knew he’d always be the more powerful one – the dominant one if he chose to be. He has a temper, especially when he doesn’t get his own way. A temper he used to take out on me. Whilst with him, I’ve walked into the edge of the kitchen table, a desk in work, banged my thigh on the field gate/stable door. I’ve fell off the horse, a friends horse, I’ve had a branch accidentally snap back in to my face whilst out riding. People hinted, I lied. I claimed I was just clumsy. I was just unlucky or ‘I bruise easily’.

I’ve hidden away in hotel rooms so I’ve not had to go home. Knowing he was going through a rough patch in work with a few changes the MOD were forcing on them. I knew his mood. I stayed away, too scared to go home.

We have lots of mutual friends – his work colleagues, their wives/girlfriends, my friends, people from the rugby club, the farm/yard, it’s small villages everyone knows everyone – trying to avoid being at the same events as him can be hard at times. Being at those same events is even harder. Feeling him watching me, getting someone to come to the loo with me so he can’t corner me, knowing that people around are watching, wondering sometimes feeling uncomfortable as they know we’ve split up but not fully knowing the facts.

How do I explain, we’re both cheats. He cheated, I cheated. How do I explain to them that he isn’t always the nice guy they think they know? How do I explain to them that there were bruises I lied about. How do I admit to them, that these were caused by him in response to my cheating this year? That I cheated once and he twice…. I met Jamie once in a hotel room in May, he cheated a few times. Yet I take the blame. I can’t do it, instead I keep my head down and try to avoid being near him.  I’m in no way brave, yes I’ve got out but I’m still scared of him and what he’ll do if we’re ever alone again. And I have no one to admit that to because I’ve covered things up.

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